Debbie’s memorial service was saturday. the church was utterly full of people, everyone catching up with each other and offering mutual condolences, all in solemn hushed tones, creating a heavy though quiet drone. i met up with dozens of JH people i hadn’t seen in months, and invariably said, “hi how are you,” which is the standard greeting programmed in everyone’s head. the answer of course was something along the lines of “as well as can be expected,” which invariably makes one feel like either a moron or an ass, even though 5 people just asked the same thing of me a minute before. chalk this entire thing up on that list of items you can never be sure of what you’re doing. what do you do with the numbers still in your cell phone? the email address nestled in between the c’s and the e’s at work? her face smiled up at me from my kitchen table that afternoon from the service program, as i was letting the dog out, and it started hitting me all over again, just a few hours after it’d been hitting me for the nth time. i’m completely burnt out and exhausted.
late that afternoon, Vi & Justin came by, like a pair of godsends, to haul me off to run around on mindless shopping errands. low-demand low-thinking low-key social activity was ideal at the time, and had the bonus effect of providing venues to find a couple other xmas presents for the family.
today, i had big plans to finish off a bigger chunk of that family shopping requirement, but couldn’t work up the actual drive to do a whole lot more than get out of bed. the novel i’d let fall by the wayside for the past weeks got finished, and the laundry got done, so there’s my achievements for the time being. continuing my lassitude (seriously, i didn’t even get around to getting dressed until i realized i had to make a quick run to the grocery store if i wanted to eat lunch tomorrow) was the movie netflix had provided for dinner tonight, ‘the new world.’ apparently, this one is a real love-it-or-hate-it, and i fall rather into the latter. this movie is gorgeously shot, with very real and compelling performances from actors that i tend to rather like. it’s also boring as hell, and doesn’t bother to make a whole lot of sense in some places. the storyline jumps forward in time (i.e., you come to figure out 10 minutes into a scene that the prior scene was a month previous), rather like large portions of this movie ended up on the cutting room floor. frequently when people are speaking algonquin, there are no translation subtitles. the score is lush and baroque and has absolutely nothing to do with any on-screen action. you know you’re really not into it when you check the time stamp on your dvd player several times. the trailer is included on the disc, and when you watch it, you wonder where the hell *that* wonderful movie went to.
so: grief, exhaustion, downtime. here’s to mondays hopefully being fresh starts.